Going Back for More

Back when my other blog was my only blog, I'm sure I shared this picture with you:

This is Keith.  Well.  That was Keith.  You might remember that he was in a bad place.  A place where no child should be.  A place where, at four years old, he weighed only 12 pounds.  A place where he was alone all the time, lying unstimulated in a crib.

Then my friend Amanda Unroe said 'Yes' to Keith... and to four other children in the same country.  Yes, you read that right.  Amanda, who admits she's probably not entirely sane (but in the best way), brought five children with down syndrome home at once.  And she did it like a rockstar too.  Keith and his brother and sisters have been home for six months now.  Look at that little twelve pound 'baby' now...

Check out all that hair, the little bit of chub on his hand... the light that shines in him... having a family has brought him to life!  He escaped that place where no child should be, and now he gets to be part of one of the most amazing families I know.  The Unroes currently have eighteen children, and they love and treasure every single one of them.  In fact, Amanda may be the most fun mom ever - she lets them have indoor snowball fights!  When I heard that, I volunteered to be adopted next!

I think it's safe to say that these five 'orphans no more' have a lot of happy memories ahead of them...

The first of many *adorable* Christmases in a family!

But, my friend Amanda, as you can probably guess, loves kids.  Imagine a person like her going into the place Keith was, the sort of place you don't even want to imagine one child in, and knowing - seeing - that there are hundreds of them there.  A few of them have families coming for them... but what of the others?  Imagine coming home, seeing this beautiful child come to life, and then seeing more children who have suffered far too much for their short lives listed for adoption... and no one stepping forward for them.  Imagine knowing that for the ones you brought home, there are dozens more left behind.

Someone like Amanda experiences that and thinks 'I have more love to give.'  Bringing home children doesn't divide the love - it multiplies it.

So she committed to three more children in a terrible place.  Three more children who desperately need to come home... less than six months after getting home with these five.  And by the way, I have no doubt she's going to absolutely rock it with three more too.  The first year I did Vacation Bible School, there were 31 kids in my class, and myself and two other teachers.  I was fourteen.  I remember my mom saying to me that night, "Crazy, huh?" and I replied "I like this kind of crazy.  It works well for me."  That's the kind of person Amanda is.  Even though most of us can't imagine how we'd handle 21 kids, she handles 18 like a rockstar, and she'll do the same when the other three are home.  Everybody has rough days, sure, but for the most part, it sounds like a lot of fun to live in that house!

Meet the kids who will join the Unroe family this year.

"Presley" will be named Charity.

"Carson" will be named Johnathan.

"Thad" will be named Matthew.

Do you want to guess how old they are?  I'll bet you'd never have guessed that Keith was four in that first picture, five now, would you?  How about these little ones?

Charity is three.  She has autism.

Johnathan is six.  He has hydrocephalus, treated with a shunt.

Matthew is nine.  He suffered a severe brain injury from abuse by his birth parents.  He has been neglected so severely that he weighs only 18 pounds and his legs are contracted at the knee.  He needs to come home yesterday.

The family is currently working to update their homestudy, working on the dossier (paperwork) that needs to be sent to the kids' country and translated for their government, and filing paperwork with Reece's Rainbow to be eligible for the Family Sponsorship Program (FSP).  Once that paperwork is done you will be able to make tax deductible donations to them through Reece's Rainbow.  For now though, funds are still desperately needed.  They have a number of auctions and buy-it-now sales going on continuously on facebook, are participating in programs that will share portions of the proceeds with their adoption fund, and knowing Amanda, will be having any number of other fundraisers until these three finally touch American soil.  But right now, the biggest obstacle for them is money.  Every next step takes money.  Agency fees, getting documents in order to send to the government, filing them, paying the homestudy agency, I don't think I could accurately list everything if I tried, having never adopted myself, but since they went through this process already last year, they know what they're doing and have gotten everything together as fast as they could - and a lot of it is done - but now they need the money to move forward.

Look at him.  He is nine years old.  Matthew desperately needs the kind of love and care a family provide - the kind that transformed Keith from a crib-bound infant to a busy toddler on the verge of walking independently.

Money cannot be what stands between this little boy - or his brother and sister - and the care they need and deserve.  There is no time to waste.  They've waited years.  They shouldn't have to wait one more day than absolutely necessary.

Many of us have tax refunds coming this time of year.  I think I know where the Unroes' is going.  Lots of people plan vacations or buy themselves shiny new things with their tax refunds, and that's fine - you earned that money, you deserve it - but could you spare just a little bit to help bring these kids home?  $20, out of the whole amount?  Would that be too much to ask?  Too little, perhaps?  If I spent my money the way I really wanted to, they and a few other families would be getting my whole paychecks and I'd be living on chicken nuggets indefinitely.  Most of you know that I only just got a full time job - what I made last year was independent and won't earn me a refund.  Nevertheless, I'll pledge $20 from my next paycheck to the Unroes.  Would you be willing to match me?  And if you can't afford $20, how about $10?  Would you give up pizza night this week to help bring Matthew and the others home?  How about $5?  From what I understand, that's about one cup of coffee at Starbucks.  Brew your coffee at home one day, please, and help me bless this family?  You won't regret being a part of making a difference in the lives of these kids and indeed, their entire beautiful family.

Donations can be made via paypal to unroerescare@yahoo.com, or on their blog linked below.  There is a "Chip-In" on the upper right hand side of the blog where you can donate - Chip-In is down while I'm writing this so you can use the paypal address as an alternative, but the Chip-In should be back up soon.

And if you want to learn more about my friend's amazing family, please check out their blog (full of cute pictures too!).  A mutual friend, Michelle (who is adopting Carolina and could also use both prayers and funds - we are trying to arrange a local benefit for their adoption as they live relatively near me, so if anyone local can help us find a place to do that I would love to hear from you!) also wrote a beautiful post about them this week that you can read here.  In fact, please do read it.  She writes much more eloquently than I do... and she can tell you more about Matthew's story.

Friends... I know we're not all called to adopt.  I know we're not all called to have 21 kids.  We're not even all called to write blogs and fundraise for orphans.  But we're all commanded to CARE for orphans.  Here is a family who has done wonderful things (all but one of their children are adopted, by the way), and you have the chance to help them, to be a part of that.  I'm blessed to have been even a small part of it.  Don't let another day go by missing out on that.  Match my pledge... or exceed it... or just give what you can... say a prayer... offer an encouraging word on their blog... do anything except nothing.

 

They're counting on you.

Numbers

Okay, I'll admit it.  Sometimes, I'm a terrible blogger.  In my defense though, I hadn't worked a full time job since I'd started blogging and got one this month, so it does stand to reason that I'd have a little less time to write.  No less, I feel like I'm overdue for a blog post.

I was looking at a page on Reece's Rainbow tonight and was struck by something.  Go take a look at that page and see if you can pick it out:  Already Home

It was pretty obvious to me, but not until I started thinking about it did the full meaning of what I was seeing sink in.

2.

16.

36.

76.

153.

196.

246.

Those might just look like numbers... rapidly increasing numbers... until you realize what they stand for...

...which is lives.

2 lives.  16 lives.  TWO HUNDRED AND FORTY SIX LIVES in 2012 ALONE...

...saved... redeemed... taken out of the clutches of institutionalization... through Reece's Rainbow, an organization I am PROUD to advocate for.  More every year!  That is awesome!

Not to mention the 13 families ALREADY HOME IN 2013!

Go ahead and add that all up, I know you want to see the number, I do too.  I'll wait.





738... SEVEN HUNDRED AND THIRTY-EIGHT... lives SAVED.

738 transformations from orphan... to beloved son, daughter, brother, sister, friend.

Now let's talk about the things this number doesn't take into account.

For starters, it doesn't take into account all the lives these 738 individuals will touch.  Children and adults who were never listed on Reece's Rainbow, who may not have special needs, who may not have been born in a country with a culture of institutionalization.  Parents.  Brothers.  Sisters.  Grandparents.  Aunts.  Uncles. Cousins.  Friends.  Neighbors.  Doctors.  Teachers.  Think about all the people you know, then multiply that number by 738... and you'll start to get an idea of just how many additional lives have been touched.

Then there are the families who, for whatever reason, choose not to be publicly listed on the Already Home page... or families who found their child through Reece's Rainbow but adopted them without the aid of the organization.  Families who adopted outside Reece's Rainbow because they were inspired by an RR family to look into special needs adoption.

There are families in country AS WE SPEAK... waiting for the day THEY will be on the 'Already Home' page.

And this... this bit chokes me up...

...there are the biological families.

I've seen people be quick to judge biological families who give their special needs children up to orphanages.    "How could they do that?" people ask.

The same way people in this country did it only a couple decades ago.

Pennhurst State School, 1977.  Pennsylvania, USA.

Without adequate support systems in place in the community, accessibility measures written into law, it becomes difficult, if not impossible, for these families to raise a child with special needs.  They are told that they were be cast away from society if they try to do so - no one will want to associate with 'a child like that'.  They are told that the children are better off institutionalized.  And without the resources to care for them themselves, what choice do they have?

But when these children are adopted internationally... a number of things happen.  Sometimes the child's birth parents are able to find out that the child was adopted.  Many birth parents want this for their children.  They ask for their children to be listed on "the rainbow".  They love them and they want the best life possible for them.  On occasion, birth parents are even able to be in contact with the families who adopt these children, receive updates on their progress.  Posters of photos of children - before, and after adoption, hang on the walls of child welfare agencies in some countries, proclaiming to everyone who enters that these children have worth.  Updates are sent back to former orphanages to let them know just how much therapy has done for children that were deemed ineducable in their home countries.  And slowly... attitudes begin to change.  Slowly, people begin to realize that children with special needs do have value and can be helped.  And the culture of institutionalization changes a little bit at a time... with more and more families choosing to parent their children, to adopt domestically, or even just to smile, instead of looking down on the child who is obviously different from the others as they walk down the street.  Some families who had previously given a child up even began working to bring them home!

This is how change started here.  And look at us now!  This country has some of the best programs and options for developmentally delayed individuals in the world!  If we can do it... so can they... and these families, children, these 738... have been a big part of paving the way for that change.  We may never know exactly how many lives were changed in these children's countries of origin, indirectly, by Reece's Rainbow adoptions... but we do know that it has happened and is continuing to happen.

So the REAL numbers... go exponentially far beyond 738.

But now let's take the numbers out of the equation and look at one.

One child who was an orphan...

Credit:  Reece's Rainbow/Brown Family

Who was doomed to a life of institutionalization...

Credit:  Google image

When one day, something changed...

Credit: The Blessing of Verity

And they were an orphan no more...

Credit:  Jobes family

When they went from broken and alone... to beloved...

Credit:  Jobes family, Crystal Proper Photography

It has been said that "Adopting one child will not change the world, but for that one child, the world will change."

Truer words have never been spoken.

These children were orphans.

Credit:  Jobes family

Credit: Jobes family

Credit:  The Blessing of Verity

Credit:  Jobes family

These are the same children... but now their are someone's son or daughter.

Credit:  Jobes family

Credit:  Jobes family

Credit:  The Blessing of Verity

Credit:  Jobes family

Psalm 68:6 - God sets the lonely in families.

That transformation has happened 738 times... or more.  Some of these children, I have held in my own arms.  And in adopting 738 children, Reece's Rainbow families may not have changed the world (though I believe they have been a crucial part of bringing about change)... but 738 worlds HAVE been changed.  And more.

Count my world among those these kids have changed.

Because if you think for one moment that the worlds of all the lives those children touch won't be changed, you are very wrong.

That's what's behind the numbers.  738 stories.  738 individual lives.  738 tales of redemption and love.  And that's more than awesome.  That's truly amazing.

That's what I've spent the past year being a part of.

Thank you, God, for that opportunity.

The Deed is Done - With Video Finally!

I have officially been balded, and after a fair amount of irritation with youtube, the video has been edited and uploaded!  The first time I tried to upload it, my 18 year old brother decided to 'fix' the internet when it was about 50% done... needless to say, he didn't 'fix' anything, more like broke it, and interrupted my (hours long) upload!  Grr!  So a couple days later I tried again (while he was not home) and a good three, four hours later, success!

I should note that the video is small because we shot it with my iPhone vertical instead of horizontal - I need to remember not to do that anymore... but here it is - thanks to everyone - donors, friends, Reece's Rainbow, etc. for helping me get to this point!

And I'm still enjoying it, crazy as it may be.  Here's a picture I took the other night, about 10 days post-balding - I have a fuzzy head now, haha!

Pardon how red I look in this picture, not sure what was going on with that.  I think it was the camera, because that shirt is not red, it's hot pink.

I still have to order cards from Vistaprint to explain why I did this (waiting on my first paycheck at my new job!), but for now a friend gave me some Reece's Rainbow magnets to carry around and give to people who ask.  This is honestly the part I was most excited about - continuing to advocate for 'our' kids by being a walking advertisement!  Every person who asks will be one more person made aware of the orphan crisis!

And, true to my word, I'll continue to be crazy (it is in the name of both my blogs) until they ALL come home!

Imagine

Imagine if, one day, you woke up and you couldn't get out of your bed.  Nevermind why.  Maybe your legs didn't work.  Maybe there were bars so high you couldn't climb them.  Just imagine it.

Imagine that you're hungry, so you cry out, but no one comes to feed you.  Imagine that when they finally do, hours and hours later, you're hastily fed a watery mush that doesn't even take the edge off the gnawing pain in your stomach.

Imagine that in your room, there are dozens of other people stuck in their beds.  They're crying out.  They're hungry too.  They want to be able to help themselves, just like you, but they can't.  Imagine hearing their moans, cries, all night long... not sleeping.

Imagine that the only person who ever cares for you (and I use that expression loosely) gets tired of you and the others grunting and rocking and crying out at night, and shoves medication down your throat.  It makes you feel strange, heavy, and you fall into more of a coma than a sleep.  You don't feel like yourself even when you wake up.

Imagine that you have to go to the bathroom.  There is no call button for a nurse to take you out of the bed to the bathroom.  That does not happen.  You have a diaper - that's what it is for.  Only it hasn't been changed all day.  You're soaking in your own waste and you can do nothing about it.

Imagine the hours passing by.  There's no TV, no music, no computers or video games, no toys or people to talk to... nothing but you, your fellow sufferers, and the sterile, hospital green wall across from you.  Imagine one hour like this.  Nothing to do but lie there.  Unable to sleep anymore.  Imagine two hours like this.  Trying to find something to occupy your mind.  Imagine the whole day like this.  It passes by agonizingly slowly.

Now imagine living that day over and over for years.


How long until you lose your mind?



Psychology theorizes that there is a hierarchy of needs - at the bottom are basic physical needs.  Food.  Shelter.  Air.  Sleep.  At the next level are safety needs - the need to know that you and all that you care about are safe.  At the next level are psychological needs.  Love.  Friends.  A family.  Above that, you can see that the hierarchy gets more complex.

Maslow's theory states that if the needs at any level are not met, a person cannot achieve the contents of the next level.  So, for example, if you are starving, you will not be able to achieve any sense of safety or security - because you can't even be secure in your most basic needs.

Think back to what you just imagined.  You aren't getting enough food.  You aren't getting enough sleep.  You're getting no intellectual stimulation or human contact.  Your environment is not clean or sanitary.  You are at the mercy of whomever happens to be tasked with keeping you alive (for now).

Would you know how to love another person?  Be in a family?  Be a friend?  Would you know how to trust that when you lay down at night, you'll wake up safe?  Would you believe, when you ate, that there would be more food before that gnawing pain in your stomach could take back over?  Could you be certain of the motives of the people around you?

I don't think I need to answer that for you.

Like anything, it is a process.  A person must become secure in those first needs before learning to achieve the next level.  When a person past infancy displays an inability to be secure in even their most basic needs because they have been in an environment of deprivation, we call this 'institutionalization'.

It's not just a word.  It's lives.  It's people.  It's something I've seen with my own eyes.  And it doesn't go away overnight.  You don't wake up one morning, never having had your needs met in your life, and then wake up the next morning confident that everything is going to be just A-OK, no matter what happened in those 24 hours.  When a person who has been institutionalized is removed from that environment... well - think of it like refeeding syndrome - many of us know what that is.

After the concentration camps were discovered by liberating troops at the end of WWII, well-meaning people rushed food to the starving, skeletally thin prisoners.  Most of them hadn't seen anything resembling a meal in months, maybe years.  They did what anyone would do, what is human nature to do - they ate until they could eat no more.  But their bodies had fallen into survival mode over those months and forgotten how to process proper nutrition.  The sudden rush of nutrients overloaded their frail bodies, and in that moment it was discovered that food can kill a starving man.  Beginning to feed someone who has been in a state of starvation properly again must be done very carefully and slowly to avoid overloading the system.  Refeeding Syndrome, as it's come to be known, is still a very real concern with orphans and people in developing nations all over the world.

But whereas actual physical starvation is linked to refeeding syndrome, institutionalization (essentially psychological starvation) can be linked to a sort of 'emotional refeeding syndrome'.  Too much, too soon, overloads the senses and causes a person to do whatever they can think of to sooth themselves.  For people who have been institutionalized, this can be a whole host of behaviors.  Rocking.  Self injury.  Lashing out at others.  Yelling.  Hand flapping.  Kicking and screaming.  You name it.  These are what we call 'post-institutional issues'.  They're the behaviors a person exhibits when learning how to go from an institutionalized environment to a different one - perhaps a family.  They're a period of transition that sometimes subsides quickly and sometimes has lingering effects for a long time.  They're not insurmountable.

Imagine emotional starvation as visible as physical starvation

Consistancy is key here.  Look back at Maslow's Hierarchy.  Start at the bottom.  Anything above that first level is going to overload the person and cause the behaviors I mentioned previously (commonly called 'stimming', short for self stimulating) because they just don't know how to handle it.  That doesn't mean they shouldn't be offered those things - love, security... it just means that when they're given, expect a different response than what you would from a person who has not been institutionalized.  Most likely, the person will stim at first.  Maybe for a while.  Keep working.  Re-feed them that affection slowly, over time.  A starving man was never returned to perfect health in a week.

Why am I posting this?  Aside from the fact that it's been on my mind, I feel that it's key to understanding international adoption, particularly of children with special needs, who have often been the most deprived.  And understanding the issues related to adoption is absolutely vital to ensuring a positive outcome for everyone involved.  There are families, people out there, who, like myself a year ago, have just discovered the orphan crisis - maybe because of all the press involved with the Russian adoption ban right now.  They can only think one thing - 'we want to help'.  And that's wonderful - we need people who want to help!  But from my own experience, I know that first 'want to help' instinct is often less realistic than it should be.  It is this that creates a false image of what adoption is like in people's minds and leads to disappointing experiences.  You can't say "I want to adopt a child with down syndrome" and expect to just get a child with down syndrome.  You can't say "I'd love to adopt that little girl with hydrocephalus" and only expect to deal with hydrocephalus.  You have to realize that institutionalization is a part of these kids now, you have to have realistic expectations based on what they've been through, or you're doomed to be disappointed.  You have to be prepared to deal with the whole gamut of institutional behaviors, to commit to 're-feeding' as long as it takes.

I'm not saying to second guess a desire to adopt - never.  I'm just saying, do your research.  Read some blogs.  Talk to some families.  Meet some friends.  I bet there are internationally adopted children near you - for over a year I had no idea a Reece's Rainbow family was living right down the street from me!  Build a support system, so that as issues arise, you'll have someone to go to for advice.  Find out what resources are available in your area and how to get them.  You'll learn a lot, you won't regret that you did it, and you'll be that much more prepared when you do decide to take the leap... and it will make your experience all the more positive.  Everyone wants a happy ending, but in real life, prince charming (or adoptive mom and dad) don't just come along and magic everything better in an instant.  Happily ever after doesn't just happen.  We have to make our own happily ever after, and it starts with a solid understanding of what you're going to deal with on the other side of your adoption.

And for those of us who haven't adopted yet, like myself (and listen to me preaching on institutionalization.  Rest assured that I'm not completely ignorant, even though I haven't crossed the ocean myself yet), we need to be prepared to support those families as they come home and 'de-institutionalize' their children.  A sympathetic ear when a friend's day has involved WAY too much poop.  A shoulder to cry on when a diagnosis the parent wasn't expecting is handed down.  A meal dropped off so the adjusting family doesn't have to cook.  Help around the house so the parent's focus can be on the child.  A simple card, note, message, to say, "I'm thinking of you, I'm here for you."

They say it takes a village to raise a child.  Find your village.  Get to know the ins and the outs of living there.  When it feels like home... move in... and your village will be there to help you through the thick and thin.

Happily Ever After is out there... you just have to work... and work hard for it.

Video Coming Soon!

If you haven't yet, please go back and read this post so you'll understand this one!

There.  Now that that's done and you know the reason for my hair's sudden disappearance, I shall post the rest of this update.

So apparently my college-learned Windows Movie Maker skills are a little rusty and videos over thirty seconds take a good bit to come off an iPhone, not to mention how slow youtube has been lately, so I'm still working on the final product head shaving video, planning to put some serious time into it tonight that I haven't been able to devote until now because I've been busy at my awesome new job!

But as not to deprive you of amusement at my expense (really not at my expense at all, this was actually really fun and I love having an opportunity to talk about the orphan crisis), until that time I'll post a picture of me just after the shaving, which was by the way, definitely hilarious.

According to my friend's three year old, I am now "a bald" (we were previously unaware of this demographic - thank goodness she enlightened us to my new status!).  I've also managed to freak out a couple other friends' kids, and strike up a few conversations about orphans, so I'm considering this project a success!  When I have the money I've got some cards designed on vistaprint to order and share with anyone who asks, about why I did it and who these kids are and how you can help.  I hope to have an impact that goes on far longer than the two months of angel tree.

Please feel free to share for the amusement of others - and hopefully awareness too!  And if you read something and want to know more, I'll just leave this handy link right here...

Reece's Rainbow Adoption Ministry