My Heart

My heart just literally broke.  All over again.  I can't even put into words how I'm feeling right now, but I owe it to two little girls to try anyways.

Remember Annie?  The little girl who was a spitting image of my sweet A?

Left: My A.  Right:  "Annie #40-4"

Annie has been transferred to a mental institution.  She is eight and a half.  Just barely younger than my dear A was when I said goodbye to her two years ago.

My A was one of the strongest people I ever met.  She had more courage in her pinky finger than men four times her age and ten times her size.  She faced seemingly insurmountable obstacles and still managed to find joy in every place she went.  When she loved, she loved fiercely, determinedly, loyally.  When she hurt, she tried to hold it in... but eventually she started letting me be there for her... and every time she broke down in my arms, I broke down just as much or more on the inside.  When she hurt, I hurt with her.  I still hurt with her.

I couldn't help A.  She told me a terrible secret, and I promised to try to help.  I did what I thought was the right thing.  Even when that failed, I kept trying until my options were exhausted.  In the end, there was nothing I could do to help her, and that tears me to shreds to this day.

We can still help Annie.

She can be adopted.  Loved.  Treasured.  Comforted.  Just like my A was in the days she spent with me.

But she needs US.  She needs us to share her photo, her story - so that her family might see her and move to bring her home.  She needs us to help raise the funds to ransom her from the mental institution where she will spend the rest of her life if not adopted.  She needs us to storm Heaven on her behalf.

It's 5:00 am and I'm lying in a hospital bed, unable to sleep, crying both for my little girl and for a little girl halfway across the world who I have never met.  I feel like I've failed them both.  I tried to advocate for both of them.  I prayed for both of them.  I swore I would help both of them.  And I thought, for a while, that at least I would be able to help Annie in honor of my A.  I tried.  But it wasn't enough.

Maybe if I had screamed louder, prayed more, worked harder, the family that committed to Annie wouldn't have suffered the financial troubles that caused them to have to release her.  Maybe if I had done more, she wouldn't be sitting in a mental institution right now.

I failed A.  I have to live with that guilt for the rest of my life.  I can't live with the guilt of having failed Annie too.

Transferred.  To a mental institution.

Please help me help her.  Please share her.  Donate to her grant if you can.  I'm begging you.  Since I was admitted to the hospital yesterday everyone has asked me what they could do, and this is it.  Share Annie.  Share this post.  Donate to her grant.  Order a bracelet from my facebook shop so that I can donate to Annie.  Just help me get her home.  That's all I want.

http://reecesrainbow.org/14083/annie-40-4

Twenty-five

This weekend I turned 25.

(And got the world's most awesome shirt)

This is a big deal birthday for me.  No, no driving privileges (unless you count that I can now cheaply rent a car), buying alcohol or tobacco (never really was interested anyways), gambling or lottery tickets (ok, the best part of those is scratching them off just for fun)... no earning the right to vote, no 'over the hill', it's not one of 'those' landmark birthdays.  But it's a big deal to me.

Why?

Two and a half years ago when I found Reece's Rainbow, when I prayed for God to break my heart in the ways that break His - and my heart was broken for orphans with special needs all over the world - I started reading up on what a person had to do to adopt.  To my delight, I found that single mothers could indeed adopt from some countries!  There was an income requirement - but it was one that seemed achievable.  And then I hit the brick wall... the minimum age requirement for any American to adopt was twenty-five.  That seemed so far off.  By then, many of these children would have spent most of their childhoods in orphanages.  Many of them would have died, having never known the love of a family.  And I couldn't go after them... not yet.

So what I did was I made a resolve.  I told myself that God had brought these kids to my attention early for a reason, that He was giving me time to get my affairs in order so that when 25 hit, I was ready.

Sometimes I wonder if God laughs a bit to himself when He sees that we think we've figured out His plan.

In the 2.5 years that I was supposed to be spending getting ready to adopt, I've had at least three surgeries, at least half a dozen hospitalizations, a court battle over one of my dear borrowed kids, filed bankruptcy, and lost multiple jobs due to health issues.  Instead of being independent, ready to bring an orphan into my home to love as my own forever, I still share a home with my mother.  I still scrounge for pennies just to buy food sometimes.

So even though my family (incidentally, only part of which is defined by blood, underscoring the message of my awesome new Reece's Rainbow Sevenly shirt) made my 25th birthday an absolutely wonderful, beautiful day, there is a bittersweet aspect.  A mourning of the loss of the hopes I once had for this day.

It was just as I sat down for a birthday dinner with my little family that I got the message from a friend - "Did you see Elizabeth's post about you?"  I rushed to read what she was talking about, knowing it could only be good.  You see, a little under a year ago, I got to know a wonderful woman named Elizabeth via Reece's Rainbow.  There are a lot of things I could tell you about Elizabeth.  The most obvious, the one most people might think to mention first, is that she has cancer.  But cancer isn't what I think about when I think about Elizabeth.  Just like my dearly departed friend Angie, she doesn't let the disease define or limit her life or who she is.  What is MORE important to tell you about Elizabeth is that she has one of the kindest, most giving spirits of anyone I have ever met.  Knowing her diagnosis would prevent her from adopting, Elizabeth has poured herself into giving whatever she can to children in need and the families who CAN go for them.

That day, without even knowing my personal reflections about turning 25, Elizabeth decided to give me the greatest gift of all... to include me in her magic-making... to allow me to choose a child or family to receive a donation today, for my birthday.  I am so thrilled and blessed to be given this opportunity.  However, it is so hard, when there are so many deserving children and families, to choose just one to bless today!  So that's where my part of the plan comes in.

When Elizabeth made her announcement, I already had a couple children in mind who I would like to see get donations.  But the families... goodness, the need there is overwhelming, and I had no idea how to choose.  I asked for suggestions... families close to travel, families needing large sums, or just families that held a special place in someone's heart.  And boy, did I get suggestions!  Hah - and I thought asking for them would make it easier to choose!  WRONG!  

I have prayerfully chosen to share the blessings with one family and one child.  The family will be the Horton Family adopting Gary and Marnie and the child will be Annie #40-4.  The Hortons are a wonderful family who brought home a beautiful little girl from Eastern Europe last year - sweet Sophia has undergone a complete transformation since then - she is so healthy and thriving now!  We can't wait until Gary and Marnie are home and can enjoy the same blessings of having a family.  The Horton family will be leaving for their Gotcha trip in just a few days!

And sweet Annie... my love... I can't recall if I posted about it or not, but the family who had committed to her was regretfully unable to continue and released her.  They still love her and have promised to help me advocate for her.  As a result of their commitment to her, though, Annie has a permanent listing on Reece's Rainbow and a grant account, which is uncommon for children in her country unless they have Down Syndrome.  Most children are listed for the two months an agency has their file, and then disappear again.  Because of my friends' initial commitment to Annie, she will now be able to have money in her grant account when a family does step forward for her!  Sadly, Annie has recently been transferred to a mental institution.  Someone needs to rescue her, and fast!

In the process of choosing the Hortons and Annie, though, many deserving families and children have come to my attention.  I would like to share all of these here and ask for your help, as well as introduce one more fundraiser for a third family.

Here is a list of families and children whose needs were brought to my attention, including links to their FSPs and/or blogs.  I am humbly asking that you help me out with a 'two for one' gift - two for one because both myself and the families/children will be blessed by your gift.  I'm calling it "25 for 25" - as in, $25 of any denomination, for my 25 years of life.  Would you please consider giving $25 (for my 25th birthday) - or if you can't afford that, $2.50, or even $0.25 (or any other amount) to any one of these families or children?  Since I am unable to adopt at 25 as I had hoped, and am temporarily unemployed and therefore unable to give as much as I'd like to these families and children, all I have left is my voice... so I am begging you to give me the gift of helping me help them.  It's all I want for my birthday.

• Alejandro for the Greene family - This family is in the process of their first adoption, and overwhelmed by all the emotions and excitement that go with that.  A little FSP encouragement could be just what they need!
• Kiril and Dell's family - These two have been waiting so long for a family... and it's finally their turn!  What a blessing it would be for them and their family to get a little help bringing their boys home!
• Brandy and Brielle for the Casebier family - Terri Casebier has been the most wonderful advocate for so many families.  Even as they raise funds for their own adoption, she posts all the time about families with urgent needs.  When I asked for suggestions of families for this project, she not only posted her FSP but those of several other families!
• Rita for the Mayr family - This family is getting ready to travel for their 'gotcha' trip and are still thousands of dollars short!  Could you please help out in some way?
• Margaret for the Thorp family - This family is traveling within the next few weeks and are still short on funds.  They have already suffered a huge blow as Margaret's sweet sister Merry, to whom she was very attached, passed away early this year.
• Daniel for the Rakoczy family - One of the 'pipeline' families who was in process to adopt a child from Russia, this family has chosen to adopt a child from another country and are traveling in a few weeks, but still thousands short!
• Abby-Kate for the Lewis family - This family is leaving in only a couple weeks and still nearly $1500 short!  They could really use an FSP boost of any amount.
• Theo, Orion, and Barton for the Bloom family - Another family traveling soon, the Blooms are adopting three older boys (and I hear rumor that they are considering adding one more!).  A donation to their FSP would be greatly appreciated.
• Gage and Millie for the Novit family - I added this family myself.  Colleen has been a huge inspiration to me in recent months - through ups and downs, she has kept her focus where it belongs - squarely on the children.  Now she is adopting two precious children - one, an older girl with DS who has been waiting a very long time, and one a little boy from "the bad place" who very badly needs to come home.  She has been the biggest cheerleader for so many children and families and I think it's time she gets some recognition of her own.
• Berkeley +1 for the Williams family - This is another family I added myself.  The Williams' "+1" was originally supposed to be an older girl they had previously hosted.  They were set to travel in the next few months to finally bring her home - this girl who knew and loved her family already - when her region closed to adoptions due to political upheaval in country.  Their hearts are broken but they have not completely given up on the girl who will always be their daughter.  For those of you who know me and my story, you know how I identify with their struggle.  As the Williams continue to prepare to bring Berkeley home, in spite of all that is against them, they could really use some encouragement.
• Maria for the Cox family - Another family I added on my own.  Kristi Cox replied to the post to wish me a happy birthday, but didn't even post her own FSP.  I have grown to love her family over recent months, initially because she has a little girl similar in age to my A and whose (uncommon) name is only one letter different.  Kristi's A longs to bring home her sister, a child who has waited far too long, and any help for them would be deeply appreciated.
• Tatiana for the Darrow family - This is the last family I chose myself, and I chose them because of their daughter.  Tatiana was one of the first children I loved when I found Reece's Rainbow 2.5 years ago.  She had a family at one point but they were not prepared for her needs and had to turn down her referral.  Tatiana desperately craves attention and a family would do her so much good.  Now this family has stepped forward for her, and I want to support them.
• BRETT NEEDS A FAMILY - For anyone who prefers to donate to children's accounts instead of families, I have added a couple.  You all likely know my love for sweet Brett, who has waited far too long, as long as anyone can remember, for a family.  Go and read his story, if you haven't yet, and tell me it doesn't break your heart.  As an older boy (one of the hardest groups to place), Brett is going to need all the help we can give him.
• GEORGE NEEDS A FAMILY - Only recently listed, but still an older boy who has waited in an institution far too long, George is in the same place as Brett.  The sad face in his profile picture breaks my heart, and I long to see a family turn it into what I'm sure is a handsome smile.  A family for George would also mean more visibility for Brett, and we know this helps get kids adopted.  George has been on my heart since the day he was listed and I would deeply appreciate any help for him.

Finally, there is one other project and family that I would like to mention.  I have recently taken up making paracord bracelets, which are stylish, can display your colors, cause, or team of choice, and are useful in many situations.  To read more about the many uses of paracord, check out this link.  For local customers, I am selling these for $5 each - colors and size customizable, or I have some premade in stock.  For customers requiring shipping, they are $7 (to account for shipping) although if multiple bracelets are ordered, only the first is $7 and the rest are $5.  I have already sold 6 of these and would like to sell more (maybe 25?) before the end of the month.  At that point, the proceeds from the bracelets will be donated to another family.  Choosing a family for Elizabeth's wonderful gift also helped me choose my April family for this project, which will be the Winslows, adopting Edward and JoyAnna.  I have long loved this family.  They initially committed to, and met, a little girl called Zoey.  Zoey was a tiny, frail thing in desperate need of medical attention.  Sadly, not long after their trip to meet Zoey, during which they held her, sang to her, and read her Bible verses, Zoey went home not with the Winslows, but with Jesus.  Determined to rescue another child in desperate condition, the Winslows did something nearly unprecedented and added another child to their adoption after the first trip.  Now, because of Zoey, JoyAnna will be given the gift of a family and a life outside an institution.  So for the month of April, if you order a paracord bracelet from me, all the proceeds will go to the Winslows, who expect to travel in May!

Sweet Zoey in the arms of her Mama

Edward and JoyAnna

Please check out what I have to offer in paracord items here (you need not have a facebook account to see the album) and consider ordering something this month to benefit the Winslows!  You can message me on facebook or comment here and I will give you an email address to use to order these.

Need to Start Fresh

Those of you who are still reading (or would be if there were anything here to read) might have noticed my lack of posts recently.  I could say the same things over again... that I've been discouraged, that I've had a lot going on in my life, that I haven't been quite sure what to do with my blog... but you've heard it all already.

One thing that I do need to get out of the way is that Annie, the darling girl I advocated for who is basically my A's doppleganger, had a family, but they were not able to proceed with her adoption.  This is sad news as they very much loved Annie and wanted to bring her home.  But on a positive note, not long after my friend's family discovered they would be unable to proceed with Annie's adoption (due to circumstances beyond their control), they found out they are pregnant after years of infertility!  Your prayers are much appreciated for my friend Amanda and her growing family, as well as for Annie and whomever her family might be - that they will find her and bring her home!

Now, that said, I don't exactly have a specific family to raise funds for right now, so I would like to focus for a while on finding families for a few special kids.  Finding Annie a new family is a priority... she is at a prime age to be adopted and I think she will bring so much joy to a family... but they need to find her before she spends more time in an orphanage, which is no place for a child to grow up.  At any time she could be transferred to a place that does not care for her as well as it seems the current facility does.  I want her family to come for her before that can happen.  Another priority remains finding a family for sweet Brett, who has waited 12 1/2 long years for a mama to call his own.  I do not want to be yelling for that boy at the 11th hour, when he is near aging out.  More and more families are bringing home older children with down syndrome and wondering how they lived so long without them!  Brett's profile states that he is not aggressive and it is believed that he would do wonderfully in a family.  NOW is the time to bring him home... I can't imagine that poor boy having to go through the teen years alone!

Annie

Brett

Besides those two, who are very near and dear to my heart, there are still four children, who are available for adoption (and 3 of whom are listed through Reece's Rainbow), living in the orphanage known as "The Bad Place".  A couple years ago when little Katie Musser came home at 9 years old and 10 pounds, children from that orphanage were being scooped up as quickly as they could be listed.  Everyone wanted to do something for a child like Katie.  But now... where have those people gone?  And so four children, some very able, some very young, all precious and beautiful... continue to wait.  In a place that, despite the improvements the new director has made, no child should be.

These children belong in families.

So for now - I think my focus is going to be less on fundraising and more on finding families.  Once families are found for some of these little ones, I'll be ready and set to do what it takes to help them bring their little ones home.  That doesn't mean I won't occasionally post a link to a fundraiser, or plead on behalf of a family in dire straits - (incidentally, the Harlin family is stuck in limbo in a certain tumultuous Eastern European country right now and stretched very, very thin... they were never completely funded anyways and now the children's father has used up all his paid leave from work due to the delays in country - not to mention that their son Sergei, who they just adopted, is very medically fragile and needs to get to the US for medical care ASAP - but can't, without a stamp from a region that is in complete chaos.  Your prayers, and even donations if you feel so led, are coveted for them.) - but overall, right now, what we NEED is for families to step forward.

Another thing I'd really like to spend some time focusing on in the coming months is the reality of what it is like for orphans with special needs around the world.  I have noticed more and more new people coming 'into the fold' so to speak, learning about the plight of orphans, and I would love to help express to more people what things are really like for these kids.  I will likely be reaching out to friends, maybe even guest bloggers, to assist me with spreading the word.

I can't promise that posts will come at a steady pace right now - there is still a lot going on in my life - but I am going to try to post more regularly.  In the meantime, won't you please join me in prayer, and maybe spread the word, about the needs of Annie and Brett, and for the Harlin family?  Prayers for Ukraine would also be deeply appreciated as this country is dearly loved by many of us in the international adoption community.  What has gone on there is certainly sad, but perhaps even sadder is the humanitarian crisis unfolding as thousands of orphans are now effectively 'stuck' in Crimea as Russia claims it has reabsorbed the territory, thus causing Crimean orphans to fall under the Russian ban of most international adoptions.  For many of these children, international adoption is their only hope, as their special needs render them invalid by their own country.

Innocent casualties of war...

In any case, that's where things stand right now.  I apologize for anyone who was unhappy (or even noticed - I hold no delusions that my blog posts are something magnificent to look forward to) with my absence... I am hoping to do better in the future!  For now though, the best thing any of us can do is PRAY!