A quote from one of my favorite movies is stuck in my head tonight. One of my favorite quotes, actually.
"Maybe God had a bigger plan for me... than I had for myself." -- A Walk To Remember
I can't help but think that about 99% of the time, that quote holds true.
Like when I was sixteen years old, and I felt God calling me to go on a mission trip to New Orleans, only eleven months after Katrina devastated the region.
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| I thought this was the reason I was there. |
I had a series of increasingly terrifying panic attacks and wound up flying home early. Lots of people told me I was failing, letting God down, because I wouldn't be there to clean up that house. They made the same assumption I had at first.
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| He wasn't surprised with the way things turned out. |
Those people who judged me were wrong and so was I. God had certainly called me there - just not for the reasons we all thought. He was not surprised or disappointed when I flew home early. He knew He had already taught me a valuable lesson.
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| A lesson that helped lead me here. |
God had a bigger plan for me than I had for myself.
I think a lot of times, we think we know what God's plan is, and then He throws us for a loop.
"Nope! I've got more in store for you!"
This is what happened to my friend
Michelle and her husband recently.
God called them to a little girl in a photo.
They leapt with faith, jumped in with both feet, to adopt this little girl... to go retrieve her from a life of institutionalization.
You see, Carolina had been in a baby house with several other children who were adopted by American families. But as all children do, she got older, and as is custom in the country where she lives, she was transferred, when she reached 'that age' (only four!), out of the baby house... out of the only 'home' she knew.
Nobody knew quite where she'd be transferred to. Some of the kids from her baby house were transferred to horrible places. IF a family was able to get them out, they were often found to have been starved or beaten.
Nobody knew how hard it might be to get Carolina out after she was transferred.
Michelle and her husband, Ammon, were certainly walking an unknown road.
It's scary enough adopting an orphan with special needs from a foreign country - imagine adopting from an institution where there were no adoptions, where outsiders didn't set foot, where updates were not given about the children.
When they got on the plane to fly to Carolina's country, the Buhlers' most recent information on their girl was already four years old.
They didn't know how big she was. How far along in her development. What sort of place she was living in. Whether she was getting her needs met there.
They only knew that she needed a family. And so they went.
They followed God's lead, they stepped out in faith.
They thought they knew the plan.
Get Carolina. Bring her home. One less orphan.
A worthy cause for sure. It must be God's plan.
So they left everything they knew, flew to Carolina's country, and attended their official appointment to get Carolina's 'referral' in country - the first step to adopting her.
It was then that they were thrown for their first loop. Carolina had a diagnosis that had not been in her file. The facilitators in her country hadn't known. The grant organization that helped them find Carolina hadn't known. The families that had adopted from Carolina's baby house hadn't known. Carolina had active cytomegalovirus (CMV). It would add complications to her care as well as implications to her current condition as it can cause brain damage if a child is exposed in utero, and could possibly be spread to her new siblings and parents, affecting their health as well. The Buhlers had to make a tough decision based on little information before they had even met Carolina. Could they bring her home safely, knowing this additional diagnosis?
They cautiously proceeded. They traveled far, far across the country to Carolina's region. They nervously arrived to meet her for the first time and found themselves the subject of scrutiny by orphanage personnel, who didn't understand why anyone would want to adopt one of 'these children' (a child with special needs).
Imagine how hard it would be to get to know your child in a foreign place with people who had different ideas about children and special needs constantly watching over you.
Honestly, I can't even imagine being that far away from home for that long! That is one of the things my trip to New Orleans taught me - I am NOT a long trip person! Add a foreign country, language, and lifestyle to the mix and I'd be reeling. Add all the emotions of adoption and... well, let's just say there's a reason I plan to adopt from a place with less time in country!
But the Buhlers? They pressed on. Michelle told me once that the travel time had not been ideal for them either - but that was where Carolina was, and when God said "Go to her," they had obeyed.
Over a few visits, they learned more about Carolina. Some good and encouraging. Carolina was healthier than some of us had expected. She appeared well-nourished. She spoke a few words and proved to be extremely proficient at walking on her knees (her cerebral palsy made walking on her feet impossible without proper therapy). She expressed needs and wants consistently. She even showed some signs of affection... something post-institutionalized children often struggle with.
Carolina loves to jump. She likes to play with baby dolls and she asks for candy - but she doesn't like chocolate, except for white chocolate. (Leave it to a kid to be in a country with some of the world's best chocolate, and
not like it!) She tolerates being held, usually to reach or do something she can't do alone, but her willingness to accept touch is encouraging. She plays pretend with the baby dolls, which tells me that her imagination is alive and well.
But some of what they learned was not so good... in fact, it was downright distressing. Years in an institutional setting are not good for a child. In fact, this type of neglect has been shown to cause permanent brain damage. Further, in these types of environments, children often learn a 'survival of the fittest' mentality. They learn that to survive, they have to compete against all the other children. It's not their fault - it's only human nature - but some children start to exhibit aggressive behaviors after exposure to this type of environment. These behaviors tend to be especially severe with children who are smaller or weaker.
This is considered one of the greatest crises a family can face in country - finding out that the child they intend to adopt has developed aggressive behavior that could impact children they already have at home. Parents are faced with the most heartbreaking choice: bring home the child they crossed the ocean for and risk the safety of their other children; or turn down the referral of the child they prayed, hoped, and wished for all that time to protect the ones already in their home. It's a choice I truly can't imagine having to make. Yet it is the one Michelle and Ammon faced in Carolina's country. Sad as it is, that sweet little girl had learned to fight to survive... and the Buhlers have other little children to think about as well.
It is a decision that tormented them. It was not made lightly or easily. Tears were cried. Hopes were dashed. Because families who ultimately choose not to accept the referral of the child they originally intended to adopt sometimes face judgment from the very community that supported them to begin with, there was pressure to decide one way or the other (although many of the Buhlers' supporters were very understanding and supported whatever decision they felt was best for their whole family as well as Carolina). It certainly wasn't the adoption experience
anyone would have hoped for. Yet it is the one the Buhlers faced.
Ultimately, after conferring with friends and family as well as facilitators, orphanage staff and each other, Michelle and Ammon decided that they weren't the right parents for Carolina. It broke their hearts. They had loved, hoped for, wished for, and prayed for this little girl for months. They had crossed the ocean in hopes of making her their daughter. They had stepped out in faith when no one else would and said "Yes, we see this child's value and we're willing to do what it takes to bring her home." Even when the journey threw them for loops, they hung on, trying to give things a chance to work out. But ultimately it came down to the fact that bringing Carolina home could have serious negative consequences for their other children, and might not be the right placement for Carolina either. They couldn't, in good conscience, bring home a child they weren't sure they could parent.
So Carolina was relisted as available for adoption.
But it wasn't all a loss for Carolina. New pictures were posted. Updates about her development, what type of family would be best for her, were added to her profile. No longer would anyone have to rely on two-year-old information to determine if their family would be the right fit for her. The Buhlers - and many friends and advocates - hoped, and still hope, that an experienced adoptive family, perhaps one without younger children, will step up to adopt her soon.
It is here that we catch a glimpse of what God's
real plan was. We all thought it was for the Buhlers to adopt Carolina. But no. God wasn't surprised by this. He wasn't disappointed in His children. He had known this twist Carolina's story all along, and He had sent the Buhlers anyways. They were a huge, important part of his plan for Carolina's life.
Remember what I said about Carolina being transferred? She was transferred to a place where there were no adoptions. She was transferred to a place where the doors of the institution were firmly closed to nearly all outsiders, and those who were allowed in were forbidden from taking photos or information to share about children. She was transferred to a place where the people who could give updated photos and information to the government's adoption authorities refused to do so.
If the Buhlers hadn't taken that leap of faith, Carolina would have remained unseen behind those closed doors. Her information would never have been updated. Her chances of finding a family would have dwindled further with every passing day. Even if a family did step up later, they would face the same obstacles the Buhlers did... maybe more.
The Buhlers are the means God is using to provide the family He intends for Carolina with the information they need to take that huge step to make Carolina their daughter. They are truly His hands and feet on earth.
Taking a step back, it becomes clear that God used Michelle and Ammon not only to help write Carolina's story, but also to pave the way for even more families to come. After a couple days visiting Carolina's institution, Michelle told a story that gave me chills.
She said that on their first visit, the orphanage doctor had seemed very anti-adoption. She felt that children like Carolina were best served in institutions like the one where Carolina currently resides. But after the Buhlers' third visit with Carolina, the orphanage doctor stopped them as they were leaving to tell them she had changed her mind. It turns out she had spoken to a family member about what life was like for children with special needs in the US -
because of the Buhlers' presence at her institution - and learned of all the opportunities for therapy, education, and the ability to connect with a family, that children with special needs have in the US. As they left the institution on that third visit, the orphanage doctor told them that she had changed her mind. She no longer felt that children like Carolina belonged in institutions, but that they would be better served in families, and that she hoped they could be adopted.
WOW. Are you as floored as I am? Right there, a heart changed, the heart of a person who is responsible for the fates of countless orphans -
because Michelle and Ammon took a leap of faith.
No, they didn't end up adopting Carolina. As I stated before, they conferred with numerous people and felt that their family was not the right fit for her. But all the same, they did more for Carolina than
anyone has to date. No one else had been willing to say "Yes, we will go for this child". They did. As they walked the winding, overgrown path to Carolina's institution, they wrote another, pivotal chapter in her story. They were able to get more information on Carolina to pass on to families who might be willing and prepared to adopt her - who might have the family situation she needs. They gave a precious child love and interaction she never would have had for several days. They showed countless people - orphanage staff, children, community members - in Carolina's country - that there
are people who want these children. And because of their very presence, the heart of the orphanage doctor was changed. She no longer thinks that children like Carolina are best served in institutions... she recognizes the value of a family.
This is the kind of change we
all want to see in these children's birth countries. The kind of change that will enable families to keep and raise children with special needs. The kind of change that will erase the stigma of raising a child with special needs. The kind of change that will improve the care that the children who are in institutions receive. And it is happening... because this family said "yes" to walking an uncertain path.
Bigger plans indeed.
But the story doesn't stop there! No - when it would have been so much easier, to just go home, when other families would have just given up, the Buhlers
stayed in country. No, they weren't adopting Carolina... but they weren't leaving empty-handed, either. They were determined to save an orphan.
This is
huge. In case you didn't know, at this point I'll tell you that the Buhlers have four other children at home - at the time in care of relatives. They had already been away from their children longer than any parent ever wants to leave their child. It would have been so much easier for them to cut their losses and go home and nurse their broken hearts.
But they didn't. They felt that God had sent them to save and orphan, and that's what they were going to do. No, it wasn't the child they had originally intended to adopt, but does our Lord place more value on one life than another?
They went back to the capital city. They attended another appointment. They accepted a referral for a three year old little boy with cerebral palsy. Meet "Nikolai".
Handsome, isn't he? Even in his fuzzy referral photo?
Let me tell you a little about Nikolai.
Though lucky to still be in a baby house (as he should be at three), that baby house is in a region where adoptions, even international adoptions, are not common. In fact, there has only been ONE adoption in this region in the past
three years! Nikolai was not listed on any advocacy site. Nor were any of the other children from his orphanage. No one would have ever even known he existed if the Buhlers hadn't seen and accepted his file.
It
is worth noting that in Nikolai's region, there is a focus on encouraging domestic families to adopt children and to keep and raise their special needs children instead of surrendering them to state care. This is likely part of the reason for the low rate of international adoptions. However, domestic families had previously visited with Nikolai and decided not to adopt him because of his visible special needs. Regional authorities felt he would be best served by an international placement.
They traveled to meet him. I can't imagine the emotions Michelle and Ammon must have been facing at this time. Mourning the loss of the child they had thought was their daughter, yet hopeful for the boy who could become their son.
They met him.
It was love. He was theirs. They proceeded with his adoption.
Just last week they had court and this little boy became Michelle and Ammon's fifth child. A new life. A new name. Meet Ethan.
Soon, Michelle will bring him home... to his forever family. The one he would never have had if the Buhlers hadn't stuck it out when things got hard in country, determined to save one of God's starfish, even if it wasn't the one they had originally intended to bring home.
Look at him. He's ready to go.
But now imagine... what Ethan's life would have been like if it hadn't been for this long, winding, overgrown road that the Buhlers walked when no one else would.
He's three now. Children in his country are usually transferred to adult mental institutions between the ages of 4 and 6. One year. Imagine. He could have been transferred, to God knows where, what kind of conditions... in as little as one year. Adoptions from institutions are even less common than adoptions from baby houses. It is entirely possible that he could have been transferred someplace where no one, no matter how hard they tried, could have gotten him out.
Imagine this sweet, able little boy... locked away in a mental institution forever.
Recently, pretty much every adoption advocate I know has been screaming for another little boy... a little boy who wasn't 'found' while he was in the baby house like Ethan was. A little boy who didn't escape transfer to a mental institution. A little boy who was about to age out.
Brenton will be sixteen years old in just nine days. And yes, that is a current picture. He is the size of a preschooler. Once a child reaches sixteen years old, he can no longer be adopted by an American family, as US immigration requires documents to be submitted prior to the child's sixteenth birthday. We were all afraid, so afraid, that Brenton would 'age out'... turn sixteen without a committed family... and be condemned to a life in an adult mental institution. We scrambled to find him a family. Just yesterday, a family committed to Brenton. He will be saved.
But that scramble? That desperate situation where we had only weeks to find a family for a child before he would be lost forever? That all happened because Brenton was not listed anywhere until very recently. He was not on an advocacy site. No one had accepted his file in country. No one had chosen him. If he had been chosen, adopted, while he was younger, like Ethan has, he would never have been in this desperate situation.
Despite hardship, despite fear, despite uncertainty, the Buhlers saved a child. Saved him from a life of institutionalization. Saved him from permanent damage done by years of sub-par care. Saved him from a dangerous last-minute scramble to find a family. This is one less orphan we'll have to desperately search for a family for before he ages out... because he already has one. Praise the Lord!
AND! There is yet another twist to this story - one that is almost too unbelievable to behold. Ethan was actually born in Russia - though neither of his parents were Russian. When they returned to their home country, they left their baby in Russia. He was placed in a Russian orphanage, where he lived for a time before his parentage came to light and he had to be transferred to an orphanage in his parents' country. Given that there is currently a ban on US adoptions from Russia, this fact is jaw-dropping to me. This child could have so easily been overlooked. His fate could have so easily been the same one thousands of Russian children... children like
Kyle, who I shared with you last week... face. But it wasn't. He was transferred back to his home country just in time for the Buhlers to find him and make him their son. If that's not God working in this little boy's life, I don't know what is!
And then there's this part, which is only speculation, but it's likely true at least in part. Remember what I said about there having been only one adoption in Ethan's region in the past three years? Well... now there have been two. I can't help but think that every family that comes through that region and says "Yes, we see the value in this child and we want him to be ours," shows the people of that region that maybe, just maybe, there
is value in these children they have shut up in institutions. Maybe they will be treated a little better. Maybe some domestic families will be inspired to pursue adoption. Maybe the people in charge of getting children listed for adoption and getting their faces out there, will start to notice this region. There is work in progress to try to get some of the other children at Ethan's orphanage listed for adoption, so that we can advocate for and find families for them too. More than likely, the road for the families that adopt from this region in the future, will be just a little easier - because the Buhlers walked it first.
Michelle is still in country with Ethan. She is unsure if they have the funds they will need to get everything in order in country and fly home. Even once they are home, things are going to be tight, because they were never fully funded and every extra penny is going to getting her and Ethan home from Eastern Europe. All these loops they were thrown for destroyed the carefully laid plans they had for funding their adoption. I honestly can't imagine the situation she's in right now... in country, without her husband or children, not even sure if she has the finances needed to get home. If you'd like to be a part of easing that burden and helping her get home with her new son, you can donate to their
Reece's Rainbow FSP here. Michelle has promised that if any money is left over once they are home, it will be going to Carolina's grant.
Carolina. The child they loved, the child they wanted to make their daughter. There are people who think that the Buhlers let Carolina down because they didn't adopt her. Maybe even people who think that they let God down, because they didn't complete the 'mission' that they thought God was originally sending them on. I disagree.
Remember, people said those same things to me in New Orleans. I was letting my mission team down. I was letting the people of New Orleans down. I was letting God down.
But God was not surprised - not then, and not now. He knew it all before it happened. He had mapped out our paths, even when we ourselves didn't know which way to go. Just like I didn't fail God seven years ago, the Buhlers did not fail Him, nor Carolina, on this trip. In truth, they did more for Carolina than anyone has. Who was it that walked into unknown territory for this child's sake? Who was it that obtained the new information where before there had only been outdated information? Who was it that made sure that the family that was right for Carolina would be fully prepared for her needs? Who was it that changed the hearts and minds of many in Carolina's country, simply by being there and caring about what happened to her? Who was it that, even when things got difficult, refused to go home without saving a child?
Well I know one thing... it certainly isn't the people who are condemning the Buhlers for not adopting a child they weren't sure they could parent.
God has seen their work on behalf of the orphan, and He is not disappointed.
This brings me to one final point... and it is a difficult one. Because so many people loved Carolina, when the Buhlers committed to her, she already had a large grant with Reece's Rainbow. They really had little fundraising to do since the funds already raised for Carolina would be released to them once they had travel dates. But because they didn't adopt Carolina, the money people had given toward her adoption now has to be replaced in her grant for the family who does adopt her.
In the past few weeks, the Buhlers have found themselves in country with barely enough money to cover their basic needs. They had to beg and plead for $500 necessary to complete some requirements in Ethan's country. Even though that need was met, I have a sneaking suspicion that the Buhlers could use quite a bit more than the $500 they asked for to get home. And when they come home, during a time when they should be focused on bonding with their new son and getting him the medical intervention and therapy he needs, they will be responsible for paying back the money that was given to them for Carolina - just over $10,000.
If you have adopted, can you imagine what it would be like if you were responsible for that hefty pricetag just as you were getting home with your child? How difficult would that be? Many people will say, "Well, they didn't adopt Carolina, so that money was never really theirs to begin with, they should have to pay it back." Maybe so... but also remember that they didn't even know about Ethan until they had traveled to the children's country. He was not listed on an advocacy site so there was no grant designated for him. The Buhlers thought they were adopting Carolina, so they counted on the money that was in her grant. They had no reason to think they would need to do additional fundraising to what they already did, because that money was already there. It's almost as though they were given an amount they needed to raise to adopt their child, and then, after the fact, they were hit with a sudden, hidden fee in a HUGE amount - and are now stuck with having to fundraise
after they bring their child home... while they try to bond and do everything else.
That's a rough situation to be in.
It's no one's fault, it's just the way things work... the money raised for Carolina's adoption needs to be there for whatever family does decide to adopt Carolina... but at the same time, the Buhlers never had the chance to do the kind of fundraising it turns out they needed.
I'll tell you what I see. I see a family who has gone above and beyond to help the orphan, a family who has stayed strong when some would have given up, a family who has blazed a trail for those who might come after them to adopt from regions and institutions where adoption is not common, a family who has changed hearts and minds along the way, and a family who has rescued a precious angel. I see a family who needs and deserves our help raising money that they didn't expect to have to raise.
And I KNOW that God is NOT disappointed with their work to save the orphan.
If you would like to be a part of helping the Buhlers and supporting the amazing work they have done, we are asking that donations be made to Carolina's grant with Reece's Rainbow. On the Paypal confirmation screen, there is an annotation that allows you to include a note with your donation. It looks like this:
Click where it says "Add special instructions to recipient" and type your note in the box that opens up - something like "To help repay Carolina's previous grant" or "On behalf of the Buhlers". This will ensure that your donations not only help Carolina, but ease the burden on the Buhlers as they return home with Ethan.
Beyond that, you can pray, and you can share. You can pray that the Buhlers transition home will be smooth. You can pray that the family that
is right for Carolina will see her quickly and step up to adopt her. This family would be experienced with institutional behaviors and preferably not have any younger or weaker children (Carolina is seven). You can pray that Carolina's grant can be repaid with minimal hardship to the Buhlers. And you can share their need, so that even if you don't have the means to help them repay it, maybe someone who does will see it. Maybe Carolina's family will even see it.
I, for one, think that this is
all part of Carolina's story... her road to the family God has intended for her... and we are just lucky to have seen another child saved in the process. Thus far, no one has done more to help that story along than the Buhlers... and I think they deserve our thanks and our help. Please, will you be a part of easing the burden on them
and helping Carolina by giving to her grant? Will you be a part of this divine story?
The link to Carolina's grant is
here. It is up to you now.
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