I almost don't know how to put this into words.
Perhaps these will not be the right words, but I can't be silent any more than I could be silent when I first discovered the plight of orphans over a year ago.
Today I want to talk to you about something truly heartbreaking... something most of us in this country can't imagine.
In this country, services are available to people with special needs. Therapies. Specialist doctors. Adaptive equipment. Public facilities are required to be accessible to people with every type of limitation. Government assistance is available to aid families in obtaining the sometimes expensive treatment these children and adults require. It is not always an easy system to access - playing phone tag, ferrying loved ones to and from appointments, arguing with officials... but it is something... though not perfect, the best system we've got.
In this country, if you receive a prenatal diagnosis that your child may have special needs, you have enough options to overwhelm you. Sadly, most parents who receive a prenatal diagnosis like down syndrome choose abortion. 90%, in fact. All those families that will never know the good that comes along with what at first seems like a bleak diagnosis. For those parents who choose life for their child, or those parents who do not find out that their child has special needs until birth, there are yet more options. Did you know that there is a waiting list of families who want to adopt a child with down syndrome? And should you choose to parent your child, there are hospitals, special needs schools, equipment, therapies, all those things I referred to above, to help you and your child.
I know that it is still scary for most people to receive a prenatal diagnosis, or to find out after giving birth that their child has special needs. You mourn the loss of the life you imagined for your child. Regardless of what services and options are available, it is not what you expected... it is a great unknown, and we all fear the unknown. I don't want to take away from the struggle families face in this country when they receive such news. But I do want to open your eyes to another sort of struggle... one that we can't even imagine because the days of 'decisions' like this are, for the most part, long gone in this country.
Across the world in Eastern Europe, prenatal diagnoses are uncommon and many expectant mothers lack the resources to get proper prenatal care. They spend nine months expecting and preparing for a baby... just like families in this country do... getting everything ready to bring their little one home. They give birth, and sometimes, that is when their worlds fall apart. That is when special needs, such as down syndrome or cerebral palsy or spina bifida are discovered. That is when, in the face of mourning the life they expected for their child just as parents in this country do, they face an even more terrifying decision.
Because, in most of these countries, there is no social support system in place for families with children with special needs. No therapies, no adaptive equipment, no government assistance, frequently not even physical accessibility! Imagine giving birth to a child who may never walk when you live in a one bedroom, fifth floor apartment, accessible only by flight after flight of stairs, with no means to move elsewhere? Imagine knowing that you must raise this child - do everything - on your own. Imagine knowing that where you live, it is not a common thing to parent a child with special needs, and you would likely be shunned by society and even by your own friends and family. Imagine knowing that if you struggle financially, which you will likely do without any social support systems to aid you in raising your child, you are on your own - left to ruin.
Doctors and nurses tell mothers of these special children that they cannot raise them, that the children will be better off in an institution with other children 'like that'. They make families believe that the life their children will have in an institution will be better than any life they could possibly provide for their own child, when nothing could be further from the truth. Parents in vulnerable emotional states are pushed to make life-altering decisions in the blink of an eye. Often, they trust the doctors - they are doctors, after all... they must know what is best for a child 'like this'. They give up their children. They go home empty-handed, to a home prepared for a child who will never live there... and their children... they go to institutions which do little more than warehouse the mentally and physically disabled.
I could talk for hours on what conditions are like in these institutions, but I have done this before. Right now I want to focus on those parents... the ones who had to make that heartwrenching decision... the ones who thought, who hoped they were doing the right thing for their child. Most of them did not give up the child because they rejected him or her for having special needs... they are parents too, who love their children... parents who give them up in hopes of giving them a better life, or who are pressured and feel they have no option other than giving their children up. It is the hardest thing most of them will ever do. I place no blame upon the parent who chooses what she thinks, with the information she has, is the best option for her child and her family. My heart aches for her... for her empty arms and her broken spirit.
Many of us ask, "If these parents love their children, why do they never visit them?" Well, it is not simply that easy. Often children are taken to institutions far from where their families live. Travel is difficult and expensive, if not impossible. Parents, who may have other children to provide for, have to work hard to make ends meet. And even if we remove the logistical constraints, can you imagine going to visit the child that you gave up in hopes that he would have a better life... and seeing him like this?
...and not being able to do anything about it?
For many parents, it is just too painful.
They still want the best for their children. Many of them hope that their children will be adopted internationally, taken to a place with greater resources where their needs will be met and they can grow up in a family. In certain Eastern European countries, Reece's Rainbow is known by many birth parents, who, after making the heartbreaking decision to give up their child, beg for them to be listed on 'the rainbow' - so that a Canadian or American family might adopt them and give them the life that parent has always wanted for her child. Some of them ask about their children after they are adopted. Some of them even have contact with the families who adopt their children (this is generally at the discretion of the adoptive family, but I have seen it happen and I can only imagine how it must both soothe and wrench a mother's heart to see her child thriving in a family she could not provide).
Imagine going through the heartbreak of giving a child up, not knowing where she is or if she's being taken care of, and then finding out that she has, in fact, been adopted and is receiving not only the therapy and assistance she needs, but the love of a family.
My friends, adoption is redemption. Of the child, this, we know. We have seen children redeemed by adoption over and over. But it is redemption for the broken-hearted families who give them up too. It is the happy ending they dreamed of for their child... the one they couldn't provide... the one they were imagining when they made the devastating decision to give up their child. It is a million times better than not knowing... or knowing the horrible truth.
Someday I hope and pray that there will be support in place for these families to keep their children. I actively support organizations dedicated to this cause. Until then though, we do the best we can with the system we have... and one thing is for sure. Adoption is redemption.
For the video that inspired this blog post, please go here. I know many of you will not watch it... because once you see, you can't un-see... but perhaps seeing is the push that we need to do something.
Please. I'm begging you. Do something.
Because this could so easily be the reality for people we all know and love.
In this country, if you receive a prenatal diagnosis that your child may have special needs, you have enough options to overwhelm you. Sadly, most parents who receive a prenatal diagnosis like down syndrome choose abortion. 90%, in fact. All those families that will never know the good that comes along with what at first seems like a bleak diagnosis. For those parents who choose life for their child, or those parents who do not find out that their child has special needs until birth, there are yet more options. Did you know that there is a waiting list of families who want to adopt a child with down syndrome? And should you choose to parent your child, there are hospitals, special needs schools, equipment, therapies, all those things I referred to above, to help you and your child.
I know that it is still scary for most people to receive a prenatal diagnosis, or to find out after giving birth that their child has special needs. You mourn the loss of the life you imagined for your child. Regardless of what services and options are available, it is not what you expected... it is a great unknown, and we all fear the unknown. I don't want to take away from the struggle families face in this country when they receive such news. But I do want to open your eyes to another sort of struggle... one that we can't even imagine because the days of 'decisions' like this are, for the most part, long gone in this country.
Across the world in Eastern Europe, prenatal diagnoses are uncommon and many expectant mothers lack the resources to get proper prenatal care. They spend nine months expecting and preparing for a baby... just like families in this country do... getting everything ready to bring their little one home. They give birth, and sometimes, that is when their worlds fall apart. That is when special needs, such as down syndrome or cerebral palsy or spina bifida are discovered. That is when, in the face of mourning the life they expected for their child just as parents in this country do, they face an even more terrifying decision.
Because, in most of these countries, there is no social support system in place for families with children with special needs. No therapies, no adaptive equipment, no government assistance, frequently not even physical accessibility! Imagine giving birth to a child who may never walk when you live in a one bedroom, fifth floor apartment, accessible only by flight after flight of stairs, with no means to move elsewhere? Imagine knowing that you must raise this child - do everything - on your own. Imagine knowing that where you live, it is not a common thing to parent a child with special needs, and you would likely be shunned by society and even by your own friends and family. Imagine knowing that if you struggle financially, which you will likely do without any social support systems to aid you in raising your child, you are on your own - left to ruin.
Doctors and nurses tell mothers of these special children that they cannot raise them, that the children will be better off in an institution with other children 'like that'. They make families believe that the life their children will have in an institution will be better than any life they could possibly provide for their own child, when nothing could be further from the truth. Parents in vulnerable emotional states are pushed to make life-altering decisions in the blink of an eye. Often, they trust the doctors - they are doctors, after all... they must know what is best for a child 'like this'. They give up their children. They go home empty-handed, to a home prepared for a child who will never live there... and their children... they go to institutions which do little more than warehouse the mentally and physically disabled.
I could talk for hours on what conditions are like in these institutions, but I have done this before. Right now I want to focus on those parents... the ones who had to make that heartwrenching decision... the ones who thought, who hoped they were doing the right thing for their child. Most of them did not give up the child because they rejected him or her for having special needs... they are parents too, who love their children... parents who give them up in hopes of giving them a better life, or who are pressured and feel they have no option other than giving their children up. It is the hardest thing most of them will ever do. I place no blame upon the parent who chooses what she thinks, with the information she has, is the best option for her child and her family. My heart aches for her... for her empty arms and her broken spirit.
Many of us ask, "If these parents love their children, why do they never visit them?" Well, it is not simply that easy. Often children are taken to institutions far from where their families live. Travel is difficult and expensive, if not impossible. Parents, who may have other children to provide for, have to work hard to make ends meet. And even if we remove the logistical constraints, can you imagine going to visit the child that you gave up in hopes that he would have a better life... and seeing him like this?
...and not being able to do anything about it?
For many parents, it is just too painful.
They still want the best for their children. Many of them hope that their children will be adopted internationally, taken to a place with greater resources where their needs will be met and they can grow up in a family. In certain Eastern European countries, Reece's Rainbow is known by many birth parents, who, after making the heartbreaking decision to give up their child, beg for them to be listed on 'the rainbow' - so that a Canadian or American family might adopt them and give them the life that parent has always wanted for her child. Some of them ask about their children after they are adopted. Some of them even have contact with the families who adopt their children (this is generally at the discretion of the adoptive family, but I have seen it happen and I can only imagine how it must both soothe and wrench a mother's heart to see her child thriving in a family she could not provide).
Imagine going through the heartbreak of giving a child up, not knowing where she is or if she's being taken care of, and then finding out that she has, in fact, been adopted and is receiving not only the therapy and assistance she needs, but the love of a family.
My friends, adoption is redemption. Of the child, this, we know. We have seen children redeemed by adoption over and over. But it is redemption for the broken-hearted families who give them up too. It is the happy ending they dreamed of for their child... the one they couldn't provide... the one they were imagining when they made the devastating decision to give up their child. It is a million times better than not knowing... or knowing the horrible truth.
Someday I hope and pray that there will be support in place for these families to keep their children. I actively support organizations dedicated to this cause. Until then though, we do the best we can with the system we have... and one thing is for sure. Adoption is redemption.
For the video that inspired this blog post, please go here. I know many of you will not watch it... because once you see, you can't un-see... but perhaps seeing is the push that we need to do something.
Please. I'm begging you. Do something.
Because this could so easily be the reality for people we all know and love.
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